Tag / community

by Jennifer Wells

The Lonely Hard Road of Motherhood

Can we all just be honest that this motherhood thing is tough? I’m pregnant, and I’m pretty unfiltered, so buckle up because I have many feelings about it.

Yesterday I read this post on my friend Kristen’s blog, “For When the Mother In You is Desperate,” and the post was great, but the responses stopped me in my tracks. Mom after mom after mom poured out her heart in the comments about how desperate and overwhelmed she felt, and how alone she felt in that place of desperation, like she was failing on a desert island. Woman after woman shared how much she needed grace.

And boy do I relate.

Yesterday my oldest child snuck into Valentine’s candy and ate it all in her closet before 7 am, and in a sugar craze then made huge messes in room after room after room in our house throughout the day every time I turned my back. I spoke harshly to her many times yesterday, which made me feel small and horrible. This morning I spent almost an hour cleaning up glass from the Christmas lights that she unstrung and broke in our backyard (because she wanted colored lights, not white ones) during the 20 minutes I sent her outside to give each of us a small break.

Exhausting.

And although I know, rationally, that the sugar played a huge role, and that these things are her expressing natural creativity and curiosity and I am proud of her and I truly think someday God has great plans for her as a creative artist, I do look at her sometimes and think “how utterly I am failing at this.”

A good friend one time asked me why, when our children rebel or disobey, us moms tend to feel like it is our failing and not just our children’s. And I didn’t know the answer to his question. But I do know that is how it feels. And even as moms, when we see other children rebel, we do tend to blame the parents, don’t we, if we’re truly honest? We forget the sin nature and the curiosity and the immature self-regulation and the power of impulse and instead we just feel like the worst mom in the world. We are so quick to judge, and so slow to give ourselves, and other moms, grace.

What a terrible tactic of our enemy. He lays the blame trap, and so often we fall into it. May God help us to see as He sees and avoid this trap. We need to know that we aren’t failing and that our children are just growing and learning, and that just because this is hard doesn’t mean we are bad at it. We need God to help us see the grace that is ours.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” – Psalm 4

Courtesy graceformoms.com

And to compound this problem, it’s hard to know where to go with these feelings, because it is lonely being a mom. Which is another tactic of our enemy. Isolate and destroy. Isolate and destroy. It’s been his battle plan since the beginning. And he is good at isolating moms of young children.

My friends with children who understand where I live are themselves too overwhelmed to do much more than check in occasionally, and my friends without children have their own busy lives and although they try so hard, the world we live in with young children is hard to comprehend. True friendship is hard to maintain when you are the mom of young children – and it is a season of life where I think we may need friends the most. True friends give perspective when we have lost our ability to see the bigger picture. Thank God most of us have those friends who you can see or hear from once every three weeks and still pick up where you left off, but the hours and days and weeks between significant adult interaction can sometimes spread out before you in an overwhelming chasm.

And social media, although it seems it would help with this problem, just isn’t sufficient to fill that void and I think may even exasperate the problem. I think sometimes we post the fun stuff, because we don’t want to appear crazy and put out there all of the bad feelings, so we fake each other out so we don’t reach out and we don’t know what is on the heart of our friends. We are connected virtually but alone relationally. It’s a bastardization of the true community that we need as humans to grow and thrive, so false and yet what we have settled for. Maybe even what we’ve been deceived to settle for.

And lately, the whole thing has had me on my knees. Justin and I are talking through what to do about the difficulty of parenting and the isolation in the midst of it, and thankfully he understands and relates and takes my feelings and needs seriously. Because I am more needy than usual. I feel lonely and overwhelmed. I want to battle it all – but when we are tired it is hard to battle. So together we are working through what to do with all of it.

  • First of all, I deactivated Facebook for lent to force me to have real interactions with people I love and not settle for the social media fake-out. And in those relationships – I’m trying hard to be real and transparent.
  • Second, Justin and I are trying to talk to each other more about deep things we feel and about our struggles with faith everyday, making sure we connect over more than TV shows and work updates.
  • Third, we’re trying to have more people over into our house and visit the homes of people we love. In-person interactions are truly the best community.
  • And fourth, I’m trying to call or text friends to see how life really is beyond the mask of social media and momentary interactions at church on Sundays, especially when the Lord lays them on my heart.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:9-10

For all of you friends who feel unsettled and alone, I guess I just want to say “me too” and I’m sorry you feel that way. For my offline friends, I am sorry for my part in any relationship that is all surface and no substance. I am working on being refined in this area and truly praying for a revival in the relationships in our life. Because we need each other, especially in this season of life. Because we aren’t failing. This is just hard. It is a season, and it will end someday, and for now we just need to keep working, keep trying, stay humble and loving to our kids when we can, and take a break when we can’t. We need naps and date nights and occasional ugly cries and texting each other the terrible things we think when we are just too tired to fake it anymore. We need the grace and perspective that true community brings. We need new mercy each day. We need more grace than we even know how to ask for.

So what do you think? What has the Lord shown you as a trick to maintain relationships when times get tough and schedules are insane? How do you keep a wise perspective on parenting and avoid the “blame” trap the enemy sets for us? Any wisdom for us overwhelmed moms?

by Jennifer Wells

Community in a Political Season

Right now is a challenging time to relate to other people, in my opinion. I’ll be talking to someone at church or work or school, and the conversation will turn in the slightest direction where it may head toward politics, and I’ll feel it. Not every time or every person, but you know it when it is coming. There is a shift in the air. A tension and what feels like an underlying anger. Suddenly where our conversation was light and full of life, it becomes something different. And it will happen. The person will lean in, speak quietly, and state some joke, position or assumption about politics, confident that I share their fears and frustrations.

And the truth is, I don’t. I’ll say something noncommittal, change the subject. Try to return the conversation to the million things we agree upon. But the tension remains. The person I am talking to may have expected me to join in or pile on, but I didn’t, and it has thrown them. My attempt to change the conversation has surprised them. And they’ll soon walk away.

And there it is – disunity.

Courtesy Businessnewsdaily.com

I feel outside. Other. Less than. Because I don’t share a political leaning – I am no longer in community like I would be if I did.

And that’s been a hard feeling to live with this political season. I’m not sure why my friends walk away, maybe they feel exposed or embarrassed? Maybe they are questioning me? I’m not sure. But it happens on both sides of the aisle.

So I don’t speak up about politics even though I have a point of view. Because over and over this election, I have heard friends throw down the gauntlet and say something like “In this election, you can’t be a Christian and vote ________________” or, “In this election, you can’t be a woman and vote _______________.”

And I disagree.

I am a Christian, and a woman, and I do approach the world with a Biblical worldview, and I am very engaged with politics, but I still contend that this election isn’t as simple as some people make it. This election is hard and complicated and I don’t see a savior anywhere in our political arena worthy of saying, “If you don’t vote for this person – you aren’t a true follower of Christ or a real woman.”

I don’t feel that either party represents me as a Christian or as a woman perfectly, so I can understand the rationalization for compromising to vote for either one of our less-than-ideal choices this election. Because of this, you are my brother and my sister if you are the bluest of blues or the reddest of reds. No candidate and no party platform fully encapsulates my views just as no political division overcomes our commands to love one another and live in unity.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit-just as you were called to one hope when you were called- one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Eph 4:2-6

I don’t think a political stance is worthy of disunity. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the disunity is an indicator that our political views trump our Kingdom view. Because our commands to love each other and respect the authority under which we are governed were given by men living in an actual police state. We think we have it bad – our environment is a carnival compared to the Roman occupation under which Jesus was crucified. And yet Jesus said to be known by our love and to render unto Caesar and Paul said to live in unity. A presidential race in the US in 2012 is not a worthy reason for Christians to walk away from one another or grow cold toward each other. After the election of President Obama in 2008, someone wrote on Facebook “To give him the power to destroy us is just as dangerous as to give him the power to save us” and I wholeheartedly agreed with that and add Romney’s name to it as well. There is no perfect candidate in this election, and there is no perfectly evil candidate – neither can save or condemn.

Jesus saves. Jesus brings peace. Jesus heals. Jesus provides. Because of Jesus, we live and breathe and have our being (Acts 17:28).

So can we please quit walking away from each other and growing cold toward each other for something so temporal? Who cares if others don’t share our view? Walking away and growing cold makes us small – and we are not small. We are children of Jesus, brothers and sisters who will live together forever in the land of our King, and the things which unify us are a million times stronger than the things which divide us. The enemy divides – Jesus unifies. Let’s join him in that.

Jesus, help us. We deeply desire to live righteous lives, and your command to live in the world but not of it is such a hard command to follow. This world seems all-encompassing and confusing. Please help us. We want to be light – please show us how to do that. It is hard when our self-interest and opinions and “rights” crowd into our perspective. Please help us, convict us and lead us. Please unleash your Holy Spirit to speak truth to us and use us for Your great glory to share truth with others. Please forgive us where we get it wrong. Please help us remove the barriers and cross the divide in relationships grown cold. Please unify your church. Please help us to love. We know you are in control – that you place kings in places of authority and remove them when their time is up. We trust you. Please protect, guide and lead those who lead us. We are in great need of you individually, in our churches and communities, and nationally. You are the source of all that is good in our world, and we need more of you everyday.

*By the way – I’m not equating passion with disunity. I have a friend who is DEEPLY passionate about one political leaning – but I have seen her do this well as she maintains friendships despite deep fundamental disagreements on policy. So the “I’m just passionate” argument doesn’t really hold water with me, because I promise you there are passionate people who are fighting to remain unified despite their passions. It may not be easy, but it is right and worth struggling for.

by Jennifer Wells

Isolation

Being in relationships with other people is tough stuff. In fact, I think it is the primary “work” of the believer. I’ve gone through phases in my relationships with others as I’ve matured and grown in Christ, phases where I was deeply all-in with everyone around me, phases where I withdrew and followed my own path mostly alone, and phases where I have learned to use discernment to allow some people in while keeping others at a respectful distance. Each phase has been tough and has left bruises, but I think that’s just part of living in intentional community with people who aren’t perfect. What’s the phrase that makes me laugh and feel a teensy bit like Oprah when I say it? “Hurt people hurt people.” As goofy and pop-psychology as that sounds, it’s certainly true.

Relationships are dirty, messy, difficult and entirely necessary.

I believe that only in community do we grow in Christ. Relationships are difficult, but if we look around and we are not in relationships with people who are allowed to speak truth into our world, we need to see that as a huge blinking “check engine” light that needs to be addressed. This blog isn’t intended to harp on you if you are in the withdrawal phase of life right now. I get that. I have been there. Sometimes we all feel like we need a break from the drama of relationships with others. But here’s the uncomfortable truth – we can’t stay there. If we stay there, we get stunted. We stop growing. Our influence and ability to be light in a dark world shrinks and diminishes. So I hope my heart comes across and I can use this blog to get someone, anyone, to reconsider their choice to withdraw and to encourage them to push past the discomfort and awkwardness and enter into at least one relationship where Godly wise influence is allowed unfettered access to your life.

But the wisdom that comes from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, then gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. James 3:17 (People who demonstrate this kind of wisdom are “safe” to let speak into your world).

I know it is hard. I have been the person shaking as I picked up the phone or walked into the coffee shop to meet someone. But I also know the fruits of the choice to obey and enter into community. And because I know our God is faithful, I pledge to you that you’ll benefit. And infinitely more convincing than my pledge is the Lord’s promise that if we’ll trust Him and enter in, there He will be found.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

One of the first steps to being in community is entering into a church body. I know someone will shake their head and think “here she goes preaching again” or “sure, just what I need, a room full of hypocrites” and you know truthfully, both of those statements are true. I do tend to preach a bit and I’m certain that every room we enter, whether a church or not, is full to the brim with hypocrites. But here’s what is different, and special, about church.

It is the method Jesus gave to us for changing the world from a place of darkness to a place of light and for growing from self-absorbed to concerned with His kingdom.

Church was built by Jesus for a purpose. And that purpose isn’t to make you feel guilty or to take all of your money, but it is to get you into a place where you can be honest with other people who struggle just like you do, find friendship and purpose and meaning and encouragement, and together you can work to make the world a little less miserable. It’s so important that the church is referred to in the Bible as the “Body of Christ” – we enter more into Christ when we enter into the church and relationships with other Believers (Ephesians 1-3).

Is walking into a new church terrifying? Oh my goodness yes.

Will you maybe feel a bit judged? Well, I always do at first.

But isn’t that feeling, and that terror, a tactic the enemy of our souls uses to isolate us and get us cornered alone somewhere awful so he can whisper lies about who we are and who God is? Absolutely.

I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the LORD. Psalm 122:1

Jesus told us that in church, and in community, we have hope. So it may be awkward, it may be hard, but after creating us, knowing us and walking in our skin it is the place Jesus said we need to be. And after most of my adult life being blessed to be in amazing churches, I can tell you that the relationships I have built there and the things I have learned are far deeper and more meaningful than anything I’ve built or learned outside of that place. Have I been hurt? Yes. Are the churches I’ve attended perfect? Not even remotely. But have I grown and benefitted far more that I have outside of church (by about 1000 times)? Yes.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24

After you find a church, you’ll find something interesting. You’re going to be a stranger in a strange place until you dive into community. Whether that is a Sunday morning Bible study, or a Ladies group that meets during the week, or just going to lunch with a new friend after church – getting into a smaller group and listening to someone tell you about their life, and then telling them about yours, is essential to being connected. (And a trip or retreat is the absolute scariest and yet most effective way. When I worked in student ministry we begged students and their parents to let them come to camp. In one week of intense time together kids connected and lives were changed every stinking time).

So if you have been “attending” church for a long time but still don’t get it or feel connected, I hate to be the one to break it to you – but you haven’t pushed in deep enough. You have to jump and trust the Lord and His people to catch you. Go to a study. Sit at a table. Stutter your way through saying your name and share something personal and important. Be the first to break the silence and share something vulnerable and then watch the ripple effects as everyone there begins to share and relate. Pray together. Share your needs and listen as others spill open and share theirs. 

They will. I promise that the crazy in your head isn’t the most crazy at the table – not even remotely. We all have the crazy and sin and mess inside and sharing it releases us from the power it holds over us.

Isolation is dangerous. We listen to the wrong voices. We start to get really passionate about the wrong kingdom. We start to lose the ability to interact with others in a meaningful way (suddenly our phones or the characters on TV get really important instead of the live human people sitting right in front of us). We need community. It changes us and makes us be about the right things in the right way.

So if you are isolated and you know it – please do something. Please take the first step. If you don’t have a church, I’d love to invite you to our church (Southlake Baptist Church). Please be my guest. If you have a church but you’ve let the hurts of relationship push you away – please go back. Try again. Open up and watch God work and change the way you think and view community. If you have a friend that you have watched isolate themselves out of all meaningful community, reach out to them. Confront them with love. Beg them to reconsider.

He is faithful and His plan (including community) is always perfect.

Trust Him and go.

It’s important.

by Jennifer Wells

Naked and Unashamed

As far as the Lord has brought me in my fight against insecurity, certain things still make me feel uncomfortably vulnerable. For example, I have always been a little anxious about my education.

I only moved schools four times growing up, but one time I moved I went from a school district that taught grammar in the grade I was about to enter to a district that had taught grammar in the grade I was exiting. So, I was actually never taught grammar. I am a reader, so I can muddle through because certain things just look right to me, but I have this fear that there are major gaps in my knowledge of the English language.

So imagine my terror yesterday when I discovered a few gaps indeed did exist in my knowledge (those of you who have seen my wall on FB are laughing at this point). Did you know you aren’t supposed to double-space between sentences? Or that there is no plural version of the word toward? Oh heavens. As my hilarious friend Leah said, this makes me feel dumb.

I had things I knew I didn’t know – like I know you don’t end a sentence in a prepositional phrase, but I have no idea what a prepositional phrase is. I know I only somewhat understand adjectives and adverbs. And I know when I had to diagram sentences in high school, I faked it.

But I didn’t know there were more! What if I’m fundamentally illiterate?

As anyone who struggles with insecurity knows, we tend to steer away from the things that make us feel insecure. So as you can imagine, blogging, at root, was really frightening for me at first. Before I even get to the matter of topic or expertise (ha), there was the basic matter of sentence structure I had to figure out. But I did it, anxiously, because I felt compelled to do so as a way to reach out to my former students from the ministry where I served throughout my twenties. And the Lord has been faithful to use this as a tool of ministry beyond what I imagined.

Isn’t it funny how often the Lord brings us to our point of greatest vulnerability and in that place, that scary weak place, He chooses to use us? How many of you will raise your hand and agree with me that sometimes the Lord takes you to the one place you said you’d never go, and in that place, He shows Himself faithful?

I have loved blogging, and I love the friends who care enough to read what I have to say. It has been a tremendous connection-point to many women and I’m not sure I would have come to know those precious friends had it not been for this experiment in vulnerability.

So yesterday I had a choice, I could freak out and attempt to correct the things I have written and make this blog that has always been more about heart and vulnerability than excellence more “correct.” Or I could laugh at myself and move forward, just slightly less blissfully ignorant.

I’ll be honest, I had a few moments last night where I actually debated the choice in my head.

I am trying in my adulthood to be about vulnerability, but still, every time, it is a choice. Do you remember in the garden when Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed, before sin entered in and screwed everything up?  I think that when we choose to make ourselves vulnerable, to be naked with the people around us, we are a little closer to paradise. I think all of the posturing and presenting ourselves as perfect is a big part of what is fundamentally broken about this world (and a big part of what is wrong with the church).

Because Adam and Eve were always naked, they just didn’t know it until sin entered the picture.  I am always flawed, it is just when it is revealed that I have to battle with my pride and my instinct to cover it up.

I am growing in this.  Today I can say honestly that I really dislike vulnerability, and yet I love it.  I have found it is, without fail, more fruitful than self-protection.  Great things happen when I push through vulnerability. I knew I wanted to marry Justin when I was around him without makeup, in weakness, and he still found me beautiful. I knew my girlfriends were heart-friends when I could reveal my doubt and sin and they loved me anyway. There is something special about relationships that are honest (naked, if you will) and unashamed.

So last night I decided to keep being vulnerable here, trusting the Lord to fill in the gaps. I will continue to muddle forward in my writing, adding an extra “s” where it does not belong and double-spacing between sentences (because, really, how do I train my brain not to do that when I’ve been typing that way for 28 years?), with a generous dose of prepositional phrases and improper sentence structure sprinkled in. I’ll try to laugh more and take myself less seriously, as I trust the God who made me to get glory even in my weakness.

So I present to you today, Jen’s Naked Blog. (You should all be proud of me for not actually renaming it. Those of you who know me well just checked the title bar in a panic to see if I crossed the line.)

I hope you’ll join me in this endeavor, naked and less ashamed.

**By the way – I have discovered a new GREAT resource in my battle against insecurity, and if that is a shared struggle, may I recommend it?   Simply click this link to purchase Beth Moore’s new book, So Long Insecurity.

by Jennifer Wells

Just slightly schizo

For every blog post I write and post, there are usually 2 to 3 that I write and do not post. There may be many reasons – maybe something is too personal, or too raw, or too disjointed. I can get rather passionate about things at times (how’s that for understatement?) and I try to guard against saying too much or going too far. And this act of blogging, although I do write for the girls I want to impact, is also a therapeutic exercise. It is the “working out my faith with fear and trembling.”

Lately, if you were to read my unposted blogs, you would see one that is despairing, and another is hopeful, and another is fully confident that we are living amidst a grand plan and are on the verge of great rescue. You would read about bold hope, deep disappointment, occasional doubt, and stubborn fear. Sometimes when I read my own blogs there is this strange disconnect: “I was really hurting that much that day?” or “I really felt that kind of peace in that moment?” Some blogs flow naturally, where I sit down and suddenly these small strings of information come together in a picture. I usually post those pretty quickly. And some weeks I post little but write a ton as I process difficult challenges.

I would be discouraged by the seeming schizophrenia of my journey if I were not able to read the writings of David in the Psalms. His journey and his writings were all over the map. I relate to that right now. I have moments in the pit and moments on the mountain. I find myself again like the man who approached Jesus with the possessed child, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

I am finding that it helps to choose to “count it all joy” and “dwell in gratitude” – because I don’t get the luxury of choosing the despairing moments, they just come. There are days I wake up and almost before I am conscious, I feel the weight of circumstance. But the Lord has been so faithful to not let me live there, in the pit, and instead His Spirit reminds me of His grace.

  • He gives me moments with Bekah and Grace that bring tears to my eyes.
  • He shows me the honor in my husband.
  • He allows me to sing great songs of truth with hope.
  • He draws my sweet dad under the shadow of His wing.
  • He sets aside my sister in a place where she can seek His heart.
  • He gives truth on which we can build our life.
  • He gives me friends with wisdom who love us.
  • He gives me people who make me laugh.
  • He gives Justin and me a heart for the world and a way to help through Compassion.
  • He gave that same heart to my brother and sister-in-law – providing community.
  • He provides for our every need.
  • He gave us Keystone – how would my heart have survived this without them?
  • He gives rest when I am at the end of myself.

These are the things on which I am choosing to focus. I don’t know how much longer this road will be, but I am confident that I will have reasons to rejoice and reasons to sob as we go. So I am grateful most of all for a God who understands me – He gets that although I choose to believe that “when I am weak, I am strong,” the fact is that most of the time when I feel weak, I only feel weak. And I am grateful that He does not hold my feelings against me – but covers me in grace.

Even when I’m weak. And schizophrenic.