For every blog post I write and post, there are usually 2 to 3 that I write and do not post. There may be many reasons – maybe something is too personal, or too raw, or too disjointed. I can get rather passionate about things at times (how’s that for understatement?) and I try to guard against saying too much or going too far. And this act of blogging, although I do write for the girls I want to impact, is also a therapeutic exercise. It is the “working out my faith with fear and trembling.”
Lately, if you were to read my unposted blogs, you would see one that is despairing, and another is hopeful, and another is fully confident that we are living amidst a grand plan and are on the verge of great rescue. You would read about bold hope, deep disappointment, occasional doubt, and stubborn fear. Sometimes when I read my own blogs there is this strange disconnect: “I was really hurting that much that day?” or “I really felt that kind of peace in that moment?” Some blogs flow naturally, where I sit down and suddenly these small strings of information come together in a picture. I usually post those pretty quickly. And some weeks I post little but write a ton as I process difficult challenges.
I would be discouraged by the seeming schizophrenia of my journey if I were not able to read the writings of David in the Psalms. His journey and his writings were all over the map. I relate to that right now. I have moments in the pit and moments on the mountain. I find myself again like the man who approached Jesus with the possessed child, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”
I am finding that it helps to choose to “count it all joy” and “dwell in gratitude” – because I don’t get the luxury of choosing the despairing moments, they just come. There are days I wake up and almost before I am conscious, I feel the weight of circumstance. But the Lord has been so faithful to not let me live there, in the pit, and instead His Spirit reminds me of His grace.
- He gives me moments with Bekah and Grace that bring tears to my eyes.
- He shows me the honor in my husband.
- He allows me to sing great songs of truth with hope.
- He draws my sweet dad under the shadow of His wing.
- He sets aside my sister in a place where she can seek His heart.
- He gives truth on which we can build our life.
- He gives me friends with wisdom who love us.
- He gives me people who make me laugh.
- He gives Justin and me a heart for the world and a way to help through Compassion.
- He gave that same heart to my brother and sister-in-law – providing community.
- He provides for our every need.
- He gave us Keystone – how would my heart have survived this without them?
- He gives rest when I am at the end of myself.
These are the things on which I am choosing to focus. I don’t know how much longer this road will be, but I am confident that I will have reasons to rejoice and reasons to sob as we go. So I am grateful most of all for a God who understands me – He gets that although I choose to believe that “when I am weak, I am strong,” the fact is that most of the time when I feel weak, I only feel weak. And I am grateful that He does not hold my feelings against me – but covers me in grace.
Even when I’m weak. And schizophrenic.