It’s ironic that the very post after the one I wrote about being a substitute, I’m writing this post.
But it’s also entirely appropriate.
I am weary, friends. I’m feeling overwhelmed and a little hopeless, and I could really use a sub.
There’s quite a bit of uncertainty in our world, but there is one area that is really stressing me out. Our house.
Our beautiful house, which we love, where we brought Bekah home when the pear trees were in full bloom, where we’ve seen God bless us in immeasurable ways. But which we really need to sell (and have a sweet peace and even excitement about leaving). Selling would take a tremendous amount of pressure off our family. So our lovely house has been for sale for 8 months, and been shown dozens of times. And with each showing, I’ve prayed as I cleaned and wondered, “Is this the one?” And over time, as time has passed and the showings haven’t led to offers, my hope has gotten a little tattered.
This week, a friend on Facebook sold their house in a week (which is amazing). Someone posted on the note announcing the sale, “That’s the favor of the Lord right there!” I don’t know why – but it took the wind out of me. In writing – my secret fear.
What if we are out of favor? What if this trial isn’t for our good, as we’ve prayed, but instead is because we’re missing something or we’ve done something to deserve punishment? Shouldn’t it be over by now?
Now I know that’s crazy talk – and I don’t live with those thoughts the loudest in my head very often, but this week they’ve been pretty deafening.
So I need a sub. Would someone hope for me this week? Pray for me? Pray that our house would sell? Love me even though I’m a doubter and feel ugly inside? I want to be able to shift my focus wholeheartedly to the amazing provision of the Lord this past year, to the friends who have sacrificed and who have given us support beyond what we imagined, to how far we have come and how much we have survived thus far. All of this is true beyond what I can express. But this week I’m ashamed to confess that all sounds hollow to my ears. I seem to be blinded to anything but this big need. Even though I KNOW He is faithful, I am struggling to believe and hope.
So I’m waving my arms, signaling that I need a break. Anybody want to sub-in for me?