I’m sure I’m not the only one, but this week I’ve been contemplative about what 2010 was and what I want 2011 to be.

2010 was… complicated. Difficult and deep in meaning. I’ve never experienced more stress and more grace, often simultaneously. Relationships died and new ones were born. Hope rose, was crushed in deep disappointment, and rose again. My sin and weakness was revealed – as was the unconditional love of my Father. He truly was my Sustainer this year.

It’s hard to write about, frankly. I am thankful for 2010 – and for the person God has made me on this side of it, but I am hopeful that 2011 is a new beginning.  I struggled for how to put it into words – and tonight this came pouring out of me.

I am not a poet – really.  So I’m not sure why this came out in verse.  But I hope it encourages someone on this road with us.

Bound tightly
Wound tightly
My hopes and dreams
Always paramount

Stuck in silence
Trapped in isolation
Me and my gods lay
Crushed and broken

Hope tattered
Lying desolated
Friends and family
Miles behind me

These “little” deaths
Weighing heavy
Feeling like everything
Ending suddenly

Reaching yearning
Hoping praying
“Silently” waiting
Screaming internally

“My God my God
Have You forsaken me?
Why is the world
Falling around beside me?”

Not courageous
Fears contagious
Dreams He gave me
Delayed in doubt

In the silence
Trapped in desperation
Heaving breathlessly
Broken heart pounding

A sureness A foundation
Unknown prior
Up out of ashes
Rising silently

Below the quaking
Inside the hollow
Beside the aching
Through the hurting

Stronger than denying
Silence deafening
Stillness radiating
Perspective elevating

Dead are rising
I am stronger
Broken Battered Lonely Shattered
none of this matters

In You

These “little” deaths
Seemingly insignificant
Died with meaning
For my good

A holy sacrifice
Given unwillingly
Used beneficially
For the resurrection of a soul

This has meaning
For me only
Hope is rising
Joyfully silently

This was harder
Deeper than expected
My dependence is terrifying
Weakness suspended

The core of me
After the shaking
On the other side of breaking
A holy God eternal

Peace beyond understanding
God in flesh demanding
The death of my humanity
My sinful heart made whole

Difficult and challenging
Often felt menacing
2010 was deafening
In the silence of my soul