I think I am weird. Really. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (Anybody know what that is from? Hahaha – Answer at bottom.)
The past few weeks, I have had several people contact me about job opportunities for both fulltime and freelance work. So many people care for us, precious people who want to see our family succeed, and as they pray for us they see jobs that align with what I do and they send the job to me. And every time I hear about another, I start to feel sick. Isn’t that bizarre? But it’s not the first time that has happened. I have found, in my life, that if one door appears to open, I am good. But if several do, I immediately begin to quietly freak out.
Are you like me? Do options and choices make you anxious? What is that?
I am in a strange place in life. Before all of this happened, I felt strongly that my primary role in our family was with our kids. I also felt strongly that I am supposed to be in school right now to pursue a lifelong dream, so I started back in January. So, around those two things, I have fit in a job, but it has moved to third in my list of priorities.
But where we are today is that, without Justin or me having a fulltime job, obviously the acquisition of said job becomes a huge priority for us. We only have benefits a few more weeks, and that deadline is looming. And there simply is more work available for what I do than for what Justin does, because his is so specialized. There is a ton of freelance work for Justin out there (he is in the middle of two great projects right now for two different companies), but the fulltime job we desire for him is much harder to find in this economy. Will we find it? I absolutely believe so – with all my heart. I truly deeply and honestly believe that the Lord is not only shaping us for the position but is shaping the position for us. Justin is so talented and loves the Lord and the church so much – he is a tremendous asset to a church and I know the Lord will open that door soon. And when the door opens, I believe I am going to see my husband thrive like never before in a position doing exactly and perfectly what God has called him to do.
So, what do I do now? Until that door opens, what path do I take? Do I follow the money? Do I sacrifice what I felt called to do when things were good now that things are difficult? I don’t think so. I know that many of you are like me – intensely practical. And many of you won’t understand that. I’m not sure I would if I were you. Why would I, if I could take a job and alleviate the pressure, hesitate to do so?
This is the question that is making me sick to my stomach. I am a doer. A firstborn, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, independent force to be reckoned with. And because of God’s grace placing me in amazing positions, I have a great resume. I could probably make some phone calls today and have a fulltime job. But chances are good it would involve a great deal of travel, or necessitate me dropping out of school or placing my girls in daycare, or be at a church where my husband does not serve alongside of me, again putting my family in the position of us being in two different places on Sundays. And I feel that all of those options negate what I have been called to do. I get sick at my stomach because I don’t want to do that. Not because I’m lazy, not because I want to crush my husband under the pressure to provide, but because it is contrary to what he and I believed I was called to do a year ago.
And truthfully, I want the Lord to dramatically rescue us. I do. I want to get the phone call that a job has opened for Justin and that our waiting on Him has resulted in tremendous blessing. I want all of our eggs in one basket, if that basket is depending on the Lord for a miracle. I want to honor the role my husband is in as provider of our home and I don’t want to step in and take that on. And I want to be nimble – ready to go in a moment’s notice wherever the Lord calls Justin and me to go. We could move anywhere and do anything He called us to do because I am ready to go and support my husband in His calling.
So I fight off the nausea and tell people “Thank you but no thank you” and I don’t pursue these jobs I’m being offered. It scares me – I worry they’ll find me ungrateful or lazy. How can I truly explain this lack of peace that I have about accepting work right now? But I know to what I have been called, and even if they don’t understand, I seek to obey.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Psalm 31:3
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2
Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies— make straight your way before me. Psalm 5:8
And by the way – if you’ve kept reading, first of all I love you. Thank you for caring. The quote was from one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride. Inigo Montoya says “Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.” Totally cracks me up.
Have a blessed day. Jen