Who knew I could dwell on something so very much? Ugh I hate it – I don’t like being “Mopey Moperson.” I don’t want the stench of death on me anymore, you know? I want to be fun Jen!
I woke up this morning and asked the Lord to please help me move on today. To help me not think about this, replay it, or try to figure it out anymore. To let me walk away in freedom and peace and joy. I know God is in control and loves me and has a perfect plan. Now I want to start living like I know it.
So today I asked for help. First I asked the Lord. Then I talked to Justin. Then I’ve called a few friends to setup fun things over the next few days and to ask for their prayers that I would let go. All day long I’ve tried not to talk about it or dwell on it mentally (a much harder battle). I’ve gone outside, I’ve played a fishing game with Grace, I’ve returned to studying and my freelance projects which have sat woefully neglected this week.
Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the times for everything:
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I love this passage. It helps me see the bigger picture. My time at the church was up. It is now time for something else. A new purpose, a new adventure, a new opportunity. A new chance for me to show the world the faith I have in good times and bad. Because I do know that my precious Father will care for me.
I keep thinking about the passage in Mark 9 where the dad has gone to Jesus to get his son healed. Jesus says to him that “Everything is possible for he who believes.” The father immediately answers, “I believe. Help my unbelief!” It’s like in the same breath he makes this bold declaration and this cry for help. I’ve always TOTALLY related. I believe. And yet I know I have so much unbelief. The fear wells up in me – fear that shouldn’t be there if I truly believe. So in the same breath, I say “I believe. Help my unbelief!” I’ve come to realize in my adult life that even faith is a gift from God. We can’t conjure it. So when we are afraid, when we are shaking, when we are overwhelmed, the same God who made us and loved us and saved us is the God who will give us faith to sustain us if we only cry out to Him. So for days, actually maybe months, my quick prayer has been “I believe. Help my unbelief.”
I am choosing to believe today. I am choosing to trust. I am fighting off fear with all of my might. And hope is rising. I think it’s time to get excited. A new time is coming.
So just now something awful happened. Literally seconds after I wrote this part about hoping, we got a phone call and something we hoped for just fell apart. Justin was one of two finalists for a job. An amazing job in an amazing place. And we were really excited, just waiting to hear. And we heard just now. But the news we heard wasn’t what we hoped for. I didn’t know I was hoping in this thing. But the devastation I feel is evidence that I was.
So today, the message from the Lord about moving on was apparently about two things. Moving on from my job, and moving on from the hope of Justin’s. Wow. Twice the impact. I kind of feel like the world spun around me. But even this doesn’t affect the truth.
A wonderful precious friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was just transferring my trust from working here to working at this new place. I kind of bristled at the idea. I told her I didn’t think so. But it has made me think. Do I really trust the Lord, even when there is NO WAY.
Well kids, I’m having a chance to live that right now. We literally see no way. CRAZY, right? But I think it’s the grace of our sweet God and the prayers of all of you that is holding me together today. Because the fact of this Gospel that I believe and hope to live is that even when I can’t see, even when I can’t plan, even when I can’t fathom – He is. And as long as that is true, I am secure.
Jesus I believe. Help my unbelief!