This one’s going to be a little stream of consciousness – so be forewarned. It also doesn’t wrap itself up in a pretty little bow like some things I try to write. I am writing this one in the middle of the storm of discouragement. There is a desire of Justin and my heart that is simply not being fulfilled in the kind of timely fashion that I would desire. There are things that we thought would have happened, that we were promised would happen (by men, not by God), that are not happening. And I am hurting. Frustrated. And angry. There is no better way to say that. I know that my timeframe and the Lord’s are vastly different – and I know that this ungrateful frustrated part of me is sin – and so I am having to battle on this one. And this tide of discouragement is rising up in my heart. I want to shout and yell and throw a big tantrum. I really do. But the other part of me – hopefully the righteous part of me that is also rising – is just crying out to our God. Why, Lord, are you waiting? What else do we need to do?
I went to the Word with this today and read about the faithfulness of God. I read Isaiah 42. “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Those are powerful promises. And I think about Jesus – I know that Jesus had more right than anyone in history to be discouraged and yet He didn’t succumb to it. I want to be more like Jesus – I don’t want to feel like this. I want to rest in the Lord. In His timing, His provision, His comfort. I want to follow Him through ANYTHING and be grateful as I go. So as I’m battling my mind on this – I realize some distrust in the heart of God in the middle of this storm – I feel like this awful reaction in me will somehow discredit us even further from the Lord acting as we have begged Him to act in the past year and a half. And I know that isn’t the character of our God – that is my firstborn “have to be perfect to be worthy” thing – that is distrust in who God is and how He works. And I know we are never worthy – and yet He blesses anyway. So on many levels right now I am disappointed in myself. In my seemingly neverending humanity and sinfulness. And I am confessing this distrust in our Father. I am wanting to uproot that thought before it shapes my view of God.
Overall – not a great day.
Lately I’ve been brought back to an idea that kind of rocked my world almost a year ago. I saw this video about these parents after the death of their child – and about the amazing grace of God in that horrible time. And not only grace to survive it – but to find life after it. The mom said a statement that rang so true with me – she said “I died that day. A part of my heart died. And then I experienced the love of Christ resurrecting me from the dead and giving me life again.” I related to that idea. Not necessarily through experiencing literal death (although it certainly applies), but also about the deaths we all have gone through – the bonecrushing disappointments, the deaths of dreams, relationships, expectations. And about the faithfulness of God to use death in our lives to resurrect us to another level in Him. I’ve seen it over and over. A former student of mine was in an accident about 6 weeks ago and barely survived – and just last week he told me that through this healing process he had gotten a vision for the rest of his life – a purpose. In my own life – in the death of careers and the death of relationships, serious issues arose in me and were healed. God is a redeemer – of all things – but of death most of all. And I am wondering if this life after death thing is being further illustrated in my life through this period of waiting. Because it feels like death to want something so badly and to think it is so close – only to see it get seemingly farther and farther away.
So I don’t know what is going on with us – I don’t know why we are waiting. But I am trying to die to my expectation of how this is all going to play out. And I am trying to kill this overwhelming discouragement. I am trying to put this human tantrum-throwing desire to GET MY WAY to death. I am reminding myself of the thousands of times that the Lord has been incredibly faithful. I am reminding myself of His true character that I love and trust. I am trying to choose joy. I am trying to rest in gratitude. And I am begging the Lord to work.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this one. Maybe someone is here with me in this dark place. If so – I hope this gave comfort and didn’t just pour salt in the wound. Today I read on an adoption blog someone sharing similar struggles to the blogger, and the blogger wrote back and said that they had said the two most powerful words in the english language (in his opinion), “me, too.” So if you are where I am – and you are hurting, all I can say is “me, too.” If you are waiting for rescue and wanting to see God do something extraordinary, all I can say is “me, too.” And if you are fighting discouragement and trying to trust God and hanging on with every ounce of frailty and humanity you have, “me, too.”